two women hugging (what to say to someone who has had a miscarriage)Over the last few years I’ve walked with a number of women who have struggled to get or stay pregnant. By going through life with these friends as they have dealt with their losses, I’ve learned a lot.

I’ve learned that no two women handle their experiences the same. That even the same woman often looks at different losses with different perspectives. I have also learned that miscarriage and infertility do not discriminate. Any woman can miscarry or have challenges with fertility, by absolutely no fault of her own.

One thing I’ve learned that has been consistent, however, is that no matter the person’s perspective or feelings about their experience, all my friends have felt comfort talking about it. I have many friends who say they feel comfort in the “miscarriage club,” because it seems the only people who talk about miscarriage are the women and spouses of those who have experienced one.

It seems we lack the language to have honest and loving conversations with people walking through very real losses. It happens in so many of life’s different situations and challenges that, unless you have had a similar experience or been close to someone who has, it is so easy to feel lost in navigating appropriate, much less comforting conversations. When someone close to you experiences a miscarriage, one of the most hurtful things you can do is to say nothing. Shake off any discomfort or anxiety you might feel about saying the wrong thing, and say something.

In an effort to help you better navigate supporting your loved ones through what can be a difficult time, here are five things you might consider saying to a friend or family member after she’s experienced a miscarriage.

1. I’m sorry.

Sometimes these simple words are all you need to say. Acknowledging the loss and that you see your friend in this time can provide comfort.

2. Do you want to talk?

Showing support by offering a listening ear is one of the best ways to be present with a hurting friend. Now, stop — and really listen. If you haven’t experienced a miscarriage yourself, you might be surprised by what your friend is feeling or what her experience has been like. Try to check your beliefs or mindsets at the door, because if you haven’t been through it yourself, you have no idea what she is feeling. Let her talk. Let her cry. Let her laugh or get angry. Or, let her say, “I don’t want to talk about it,” and move on.

3. I’d love to bring you a meal.

For some of my friends, grappling with the grief of loss has been overwhelming. For awhile, they did not feel quite like themselves or like getting back to their regular routines. So find out how you can help. Whether it’s a meal or running an errand or bringing by a latte, you can do something to relieve a responsibility or bring a smile.

4. Do you want to go do something?

If your friend already has kids, offering your time to babysit so she can have time to herself — to nap, run an errand, go to the gym, or go on a date — can be a big help. If your friend doesn’t have kids, offer to take her out. If you can give her space to process her feelings on her own or get away to get her mind off of them, do it!

5. How is your partner doing?

It is important to acknowledge your friend’s experience, but very often we overlook what her partner may be going through. Although a woman who has experienced a miscarriage is the only one who has the physical experience, other friends and family members will have feelings about it, too. Ask about them and how they are processing their emotions.

These are just a few ideas to help you think about how you can help a loved one during a hard time. There are so many other things you can do to help out or offer your kindness.


 

1 COMMENT

  1. This was wonderful. I am part of the “miscarriage club” as well and I especially connected with “do you wanna go do something”. For me I wanted, needed really life to have some normalcy after each loss (we had a total of 5 miscarriages). Being able to get out of the house and not in my own mind was the greatest help. That and my wonderful friends who brought me coffee and cheesecake.

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