To quote a favorite song by singer/song-writer Ani DiFranco “people talk about my image like I come in two dimensions…like what I happen to be wearing the day that someone takes my picture is my new statement for all womankind…”
The glut of articles and social commentary about women and moms (across demographics) and how we should balance it all or risk letting it fall has reached a tipping point. The debates about balance (work, friends, parenting or other) are loaded with expectation and the assumption that a golden ratio exists. A ratio that if balanced will make us deliriously happy, or if unbalanced will make us utterly miserable. This doesn’t mean it isn’t hard to have lots going on in our lives, but comparing ourselves to others or assuming our ratios should be the same just makes it harder. More importantly the debate could lead many to the conclusion that the golden ratio is the same for EVERYONE — a new statement for all womankind.
A single golden ratio is true in mathematics but not in life.
Thinking there is a perfect balance just ignores too many variables (culture, geography, income, family make up, dreams, hopes, and more). Life is too short, my bucket list is too long, my mountain is waiting. I’d rather jump around than be balanced. What makes me feel whole and what gives me purpose is drawn from all parts of my life (my work, my child, my partner, my friends, and more) and the ratio among and between them varies, wildly, most of the time. There are as many different paths to joy, purpose, and being whole as there are stars in the sky. My ratio might be the inverse of yours. Someone else might have different whole numbers. How I move among and between the elements of my life and the ratio(s) of one to another among them are NOT my new statement for all of womankind.
Release the expectation that one thing is always at expense of something else.
Working late. Early parent- teacher conference. A moment spent alone. A trip away with friends. We rarely know the full context in which someone’s choices are made and even in our own lives we often do not give ourselves permission to choose freely or imperfectly. What if we release the guilt and/or expectation and accept what fulfills us, accept that it changes, and give room to let others choose what fulfills them. We don’t have to agree with the choices of friends, the moms at the park, our co-workers, our partners. A choice or set of choices are NOT mine or anyone’s new statement for all of womankind.
Balance, if we must discuss it, should extend beyond women or moms.
Keeping the focus on only part of the population of workers, parents, and families is a disservice. Doing so assumes too much about a family (who else is in the equation? Partners, spouses, family, friends, co-parents). Doing so assumes that only women or moms can, should, or need to try to balance anything. Why? How would equations and ratios change if the debate was more inclusive, if more numbers were involved? Maybe some people have the higher-paid or higher-stress job. Maybe one person travels a lot. Maybe another person wants to be home more often. We may not hear about the “balance” debates that echo among families of all shapes and sizes but I’m willing to bet they are happening. Let’s share stories and challenges and successes not to make judgments but to know that we aren’t alone. We can highlight and empower the uniqueness of being women and / or moms without ignoring the others in the equation and without choices or ratios leading to a new statement for all of womankind
I’m leaving balance to the gymnasts.
“..quick someone call the girl police and file a report…”
Thanks!
