My 4-year-old loves to get his way (what 4-year-old doesn’t?), and he is the king of negotiating/manipulating a situation to achieve his desired result. He is at an age where he strives to be independent and has the drive to try things on his own, but he often still needs help from mom and dad. This age leads to MANY frustrated moments — moments that end with screaming, crying, or the stomping of his feet. Over and over and over again.
It would be easy during these times for me to cave, to give in to his demands. That way, I wouldn’t get to the point of feeling like I wanted to pull out my own hair — or his — and my voice wouldn’t raise a million decibels. I would rescue both of us from the frustration, do it for him, and figure everything out the next time it happens. But where would that get us? How would that help him in the long run? And how would indulging in his demands and bad behavior prepare him for the future?
The goal of any parent is to raise a kind, confident, well-adjusted child who will grow into a kind, confident, well-adjusted adult. I can’t tell you the right way to raise your children — I can barely figure the right way to raise my own — but if there is one thing I do know it’s that all children (and many adults) need to learn how to deal with frustration. This may seem like a basic concept. Everyone has frustrations, so everyone deals with them. But how do we teach our children, from the very beginning, to manage frustration in a positive manner instead of constantly rescuing them? I’m not saying parents who constantly rescue their children love their children any less. But if our children don’t learn to deal with the small frustrations of everyday childhood, how on earth can we expect them to successfully navigate the ever-impending, often-overwhelming frustrations of adult life?
I would love to be able to offer an entire outline of age-appropriate ways to teach children how to handle the frustrations of life — a foolproof way to teach them that frustration can be a positive aspect and a motivator to work a little harder in overcoming obstacles. But this road map will mean nothing if we, as parents, don’t do one vital thing, and that is the age-old saying of, “Practice what you preach.” If I don’t demonstrate these behaviors for my son, it’s unrealistic of me to expect him be able to do so. Although the last thing I want as a mother is more responsibility, my child is constantly watching my every move, and if my response is to yell and scream and pull out my hair — or the opposite response of giving in — there is no way to avoid him following in my footsteps.
The best way for my son to learn how to regulate his own frustration is to watch me take on the task of responding appropriately — calm voice, calm demeanor, and having the patience to provide him the chance to work it out on his own. Like everything else, some days will be easier than others. There will be days where I will yell and days where I give in, but if more often than not I am able demonstrate how to manage my frustrations effectively, my son will absorb this and add this vital tool to his own toolbox of life.
And hey, if all else fails there is always wine (a frustration technique reserved for those 21+).
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