Mommy Is Chopped Liver!

“Daddy is the best, and Mommy is chopped liver!”

Several months ago, I taught my toddler to say this as a joke. At the time, she would alternate between telling my husband he was the best, and then telling me I was the best. One day, my natural response to, “Daddy is the best!” was “What am I, chopped liver?” This was so hilarious to my daughter that she started to repeat it over and over again. Maybe I made a mistake in teaching her the statement, or maybe it was making a video of her saying it, or maybe it was just the natural progression of things, but over time it seemed like my daughter started wanting Daddy more and more — and Mommy less and less.

Her life didn’t start out that way, obviously. I had the milk and the time to spend with her during the first months after she was born. When I was desperate for my husband to take our new baby the moment he would come home from work, both of their body temperatures would rise to the point where he would start to sweat and she would get a heat rash almost immediately. The man couldn’t even hold his own baby! Their bond has obviously grown over the past three years, for which I’m incredibly thankful. I have a great relationship with my own dad and want my husband and daughter to have the same. I just didn’t think it would come at the expense of my own relationship with her.

Our second daughter was born just a few weeks ago. I knew that bringing a new baby home was bound to challenge us as a family. I anticipated a jealous toddler, but I assumed it would come from me spending time with the baby. Instead, the jealousy comes when my husband spends time with the baby. My toddler now wants Daddy to do everything for her, from making her meals, to taking her in and out of her car seat, to doing bubbles in the yard, kicking a ball, or having a tea party. It’s Daddy, Daddy, Daddy — all the time — and it’s getting exhausting for both of us.

On the one hand, it seems somewhat natural to divide responsibilities in this way — our newborn is still attached to the boob, and I’m able to wear her or hold her with no temperature issues (she also gets a heat rash from my husband — sigh). But on the other hand, I miss my toddler; I miss hearing the funny things she says, and reading to her at night, and getting a random “huggy” or “kissy.” These things still happen, but they are fewer and farther between these days.

I thought I had more time before I’d have to deal with this sort of problem. I sort of expected that my daughter would withdraw during her teenage years, and there might be days when she thinks she hates me. But adolescence seems to be starting earlier and earlier these days, and my toddler is about to become a “threenager,” so perhaps we have arrived at that period of time sooner than I was expecting? A coworker also suggested that at this age, everything is a phase, so maybe we should just ride it out and wait for things to change on their own? Or should I force my toddler to have fun with me?

As I think back on the past seven weeks since the new baby arrived, it seems like most of the words that I’ve spoken to my toddler have been some variation on “gentle,” “that’s too much,” “stop,” etc. We’ve certainly had some good moments as well. Being home with her has allowed us to bake banana bread and scones together, something that we both enjoy but rarely get to do when I’m at work and she’s at daycare. I’ve been taking her to an art class, and we both laugh when, by the end, she’s covered herself in paint. As time passes, I think we’ll be able to increase those happy moments. I’m going to try. Until then, it’s a comfort to know that I married into a Jewish family, the members of which really like chopped liver!