What Is That Yellow Stuff? (Welcome to Allergy Season!)

allergies - Boston Moms

Pollen!

The yellow stuff on my car, the backyard toys, and basically every surface in the house when the windows are open is hurting my 5-year-old. I have never seen someone use as many tissues as my 5-year-old suffering from seasonal allergies. And to top it off, this is something new!

I started noticing how frequently he was asking for the tissues. And each morning it seemed like he was sneezing five times before even making it to the bathroom. (And let me tell you, those were not pretty sneezes.) Now that we were home together all the time, I realized how much this was affecting him each day — I could actually see how many tissues were left around, hardly ever making it to the trash. One day, I counted 33 tissues!

My husband was also waking up sneezing, blowing his nose, and itching his eyes. So, it had to be seasonal allergies and would clear up quickly. 

Then, BAM, before we knew it, my 5-year-old boy woke up with a bloody nose I will never forget. As a child, I had bloody noses, so I knew immediately to pinch the bridge of his nose and wait for it to stop. Which, it eventually did. Unfortunately for us, he had snuck into our bed in the middle of the night, and now our white comforter was spotted red. Once the bloody nose stopped, he seemed to be doing fine. Some sneezes, but not bad. 

Then, later that afternoon, BAM, his eyes were bloodshot and itchy. His face was getting swollen. I immediately reached for the Benadryl and cold cloths for his eyes. He was so uncomfortable and itchy. It was heartbreaking to see him like this. This time, I needed more information, so I made a call to the pediatrician. She was very informative and gave some great tips:

  • Zyrtec in the morning (to replace our previously purchased Claritin)
  • Eye drops twice a day
  • Nightly showers
  • Change clothes when coming in from outside

We immediately started this regimen, we closed our windows, and we actually spent two full days inside. The sneezing and constant nose blowing stopped after those two days, so we began to limit our outside time and, even then, hosed down all the toys and play area in the backyard to minimize the pollen exposure.

It has been about two weeks since the first flare-up, and with our new daily routine, I am happy to report that the use of tissues, the bloody noses, and the itchy red eyes have minimized. There are still some nights when we are proactive and give him a dose of Benadryl, but, for the most part, his allergies have calmed down. 

I am hopeful this pollen season is coming to an end — and that we’ll soon be enjoying our days outside!

Emotional Dysregulation — and the Puffer Fish Who Can Help

Emotional regulation. 

Sigh.

The absolute bane of my existence during this quarantine. Everyone is dysregulated — myself included. Mostly, though, my preschooler is struggling more than usual. 

I can’t blame her, because her whole life was uprooted and changed in less than a day. Her routine, her teachers and therapists, her friends, and her extended family suddenly became off-limits with no warning; she had no closure. It was traumatizing for her, as I’m sure it was for many kids of all ages. 

So, we got stuck. We struggled, and I had to brainstorm and work hard to help us climb out of the hole we were suddenly thrown into. What I couldn’t control was the situation and her feelings about it, but I could use the opportunity to teach her little ways to help manage her emotions when times are hard. 

And that brings me to belly breathing. Upon hearing our struggles, her OT from Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital suggested we make a habit of doing belly breathing exercises so we can easily “call on them” when a tough moment arises. Admittedly, I thought she was a little nutty at first. After all, my daughter’s only in preschool. But at that point, I was ready to try just about anything, and realistically, I had nothing left to lose. So we tried to implement this new strategy.

Much to my shock and amazement, it actually worked.

The “Puffer Fish” video she sent to us turned out to be magical. In one minute, the puffer fish works to teach kids big belly breathing without using words. It’s simple, visually appealing, and effective. Most importantly, it’s saved my bacon more times than I can count these past few weeks. After all, one less meltdown is one less meltdown, and that feels huge for us right now.

Homeschooling Is Bringing Out the Worst Parts of Me

Homeschooling my kids during COVID-19 has been a bit like living with the worst version of myself constantly and inescapably.

When my husband and I first started dating, I told him two things: One, I was pretty sure I wanted to be in Boston long-term (check). And two, I had no intention of homeschooling my future children (still check).

Lest you find this stipulation completely out of the blue, I should clarify: Both my husband and I were homeschooled from birth until college. We both received stellar educations, and he had a very positive experience with it. I struggled a lot with the relationship with my teacher-parent because of a less-than-healthy power dynamic and literally no breaks from one another. While my education was excellent, I didn’t want to replicate the unhealthy relational patterns I had experienced. I knew I was, by nature, not patient, I struggled with anger, and I could spiral quickly into despair or unrealistically high standards and fail to see the growth that was in process.

I knew that for me, the healthiest mother-child relationship would come from maintaining my own identity, giving my kids breaks from me being their only authority, and having the opportunity to see others’ perspectives on their growth and goals. (Homeschool friends, I’m not afraid, nor am I broken. Can we not mom shame, please?)

For years now, I have been so thankful to be able to send them to an amazing private school and see the benefits to our relationship, as well as the ways my children are thriving academically. I’ve gotten to focus on my littles while they’re home, as well as grow my own business and focus on things that make me a better human/mom. I’ve gotten to advocate for them, add to their education in fun ways, and bless them to be passionate about the things they’re passionate about.

And then came COVID-19.

Now, I know this isn’t “real” homeschooling. I was expertly homeschooled for twelve years, remember? I’m thankful for the skills and flexibility that experience taught me; it certainly helps now. But all of a sudden, my kids and I are in each other’s hair 100% of the time. I get to help teach phonics and handwriting and math and break up fights ALL DAY LONG.  My own temper and impatience flair up, and it affects how they learn. I wish I could opt out of homeschooling, but my personality (and my kids’) won’t allow that.

Holding in my frustration at the kids, I end up taking it out on the only other grown-up in the house (sorry, hubby), which doesn’t help relieve any of the stress. I see my kids’ frustration grow as I snap. I feel the tension in our relationship, with me feeling responsible for every aspect of their lives right now. I see the ways my youngest isn’t getting the attention she needs because her school-aged brothers require more time and focus. I feel the exhaustion as my own work and the things I’m good at suffer because I am juggling everything. I hate that by the end of the day, I don’t want to spend another waking moment with them because I’m just done.

This is not a judgment on homeschooling — it’s absolutely the right fit for some families. It’s just not the right fit for me.

But I don’t have a choice in the matter right now… so every day, I have to wrestle with the worst parts of myself.

My kids are fine — they’re adjusting better than I am. We’re making the best of our situation, but it’s a daily struggle against myself. And to think that we might have to do this again in the fall! It just feels like too much.

I’d love to end this post with an optimistic, action-oriented plan. But the reality is that I don’t have one. I guess all I can say is, if you’re here also, please know you’re not alone. It’s OK if this situation is leading you to wrestle with the worst parts of yourself and feel frustrated constantly. This is hard and abnormal and is forcing all of us to adapt in ways we’ve never had to before. It’s bringing out the worst in some of us.

Find healthy outlets for the frustration so you don’t take it out on your kids or your spouse. For me, that’s running and exercise and letting my husband handle things in the morning before he “goes” to work. Reach out to a friend if you’re in the dark place — or maybe even try a virtual counseling appointment. Know that even in (maybe especially in) a crisis, your mental health matters. 

And hope, with me, that this too will (eventually) pass.

Father’s Day Printable Gifts for the Dads in Your Life | From Boston Baby Nurse and Nanny

Father’s Day is right around the corner, moms! Our friends at Boston Baby Nurse and Nanny have sponsored this resource for YOU — FREE printable gifts for all the wonderful dads in your life!

We know homemade gifts are always the sweetest expressions of our love. Print out these PDFs {linked below} and work with your child to make something extra special for the dads and grandpas in your life.

About Boston Baby Nurse & Nanny:

The team at Boston Baby Nurse & Nanny knows that welcoming a new caregiver into the home is a big decision for parents. That’s why, for over a decade, they have committed to providing families with the absolute best in newborn support, overnight care, sleep coaching, and an award-winning nanny placement service.

Founder Carole Kramer Arsenault is a renowned expert in the field of maternal/child health and is the author of the award-winning book “Newborn 101” and “The Baby Nurse Bible.” As a health-care provider and mother of three she has the credentials and experience to lead and train the specialized team of registered nurses (RNs), licensed practical nurses (LPNs), overnight newborn care experts (NCEs), and infant sleep coaches. The team at Boston Baby Nurse & Nanny has a genuine desire to be known for its high standards, integrity, and dedication to the families they serve. This commitment to excellence has made them Boston’s most trusted and sought after childcare resource.

Dear Daycare Provider, I Miss You Most of All

daycare provider - Boston Moms

I get my son up every morning. There’s always a bit of disappointment that it’s me waking him up these days and not Daddy, as he is a daddy’s boy. We have breakfast. He makes my coffee by pushing the start button on the Keurig, and we sing songs and have our own little circle time. Then I let him play in the living room with the TV as a distraction so I can get some work done.

On most days, I can maybe get through a few emails and correspond a couple of letters in peace. Daniel Tiger and Elmo tunes hum in the background and then linger in my head for days after. A few minutes in, I will see a sippy cup appear over the top of my laptop. I’ll move it aside and see two huge brown eyes staring at me anxiously. “Milk! Milk!” Sometimes, I’ll get a book thrown in my direction. “Book! Book!” Naptime is when I’m most productive, for obvious reasons.

Like many parents, I am currently working remotely while having a child at home. It’s hard, it’s exhausting, we didn’t sign up for it. But we’re making it work. Or at least trying to. Some days are fine. And some are difficult. Like, feeling-like-a-complete-failure difficult.

There are many things about pre-COVID life that I miss. I miss my morning commute, where I had a blissful half-hour to read a book in peace. I miss my co-workers and having conversations with other adults all day long. And I miss our daycare provider.

When we were researching daycares, I knew we hit the jackpot with the place we chose. The search started while I was pregnant, as I read horror stories about waiting lists, lost deposits, and spots getting taken. Not to mention, finding something that was even affordable. And through our search, we found an in-home daycare about five minutes away from our place. She had been in business for a number of years and was highly qualified. When I saw the back room for the children and the big fenced-in backyard with a swing set and other playground equipment, I knew this was the place for our child.

My son has been going to this in-home daycare since he was 4 months old. And our provider and her family have become like our family. He loves going there and seeing all of his friends. The children in her care are all happy, well-disciplined, and, most importantly, cared for. While he’s stuck at home he is not getting the same kind of stimulation and experiences he would at his daycare — and I feel guilty about that. But I have to remind myself that this is something far beyond my control at the moment.

During this time of social distancing, I miss my family and my friends. But I also miss my son’s daycare provider. We have Facetimed with her, which has been nice, but it’s not the same. I look forward to the day when he can go back and resume his daily routines of finger painting and playing outside with his friends. And I will be bringing him back with an understanding and appreciation of how important daycare providers are.

Meet a Boston Mom :: Alexandra Rogers, LexRx

Moms don’t get the recognition they deserve! As a business run BY local moms FOR local moms, Boston Moms is excited to showcase the hard work local moms are doing — both at home and in their professions.

Boston Moms is proud to feature Alexandra Rogers for this “Meet a Boston Mom Monday!” You may recognize Alexandra’s face from social media or her business’s Best of Boston feature! Alexandra is the mom to two sweet girls under 2, a nurse practitioner, and the co-founder of LexRx.

Join us in celebrating Alexandra and the important contributions she makes at home and at work! 

We asked Alex to share a bit about herself. Get to know her here!

Full Name: Alexandra Rogers

Occupation/business name: Nurse practitioner and business owner of LexRx and Inject With Lex

Children: Caroline (2 years old) and Raegan (6 months)

Hometown: I grew up in Pembroke and currently live in Brighton with my husband, two girls, and our fur-baby.

Favorite local restaurant: Brighton Bodega

Favorite local business or brand: Boston NAPS — a local company founded by two moms (also nurses) with a mission to educate and support expecting and new parents. They are a trusted brand in our community and have been lifesavers to me in all stages of motherhood (pregnancy, infancy, toddlerhood).

Tell us a bit about LexRx: LexRx is a nurse practitioner-owned and -operated aesthetic dermatology/injectables practice and lifestyle brand, offering expertise in neurotoxin and dermal fillers, as well as the “Best of Boston” LexRx skincare line. LexRx has grown organically over the past five years, and we now have two locations in Boston and a team of amazing nurse practitioners and practice coordinators. Our goal is to help our clients look and feel their best so they can embrace a “look good, feel good, and play good” mentality in all aspects of their lives.

Inject With Lex is an injectables training program offering advisory/consulting services and didactic and hands-on trainings, empowering clinicians through knowledge to start a new career or even their own injectables practice!

What is the one thing that surprised you the most about motherhood?: I was surprised by the emotional and mental exhaustion! I knew I would be physically exhausted, but I didn’t consider the emotional and mental toll I would feel as a new (working) mom. I learned to take things one day at a time, and to be gracious with myself.

What is one piece of advice you’d offer another working mom?: Don’t be afraid to ask for help! You’re not expected to do it alone, nor should you have to. Lean on your support network, but also know it’s OK to let some things go. (Dishes and laundry might pile up, but that’s OK. Focus on what’s important and ask for help if you need it.)

What is one way you take care of yourself?: I work out every morning (oftentimes before the kids wake up). It’s a guaranteed hour to myself and helps me to be a better mom/wife/friend/sister/daughter/business partner.

Is there anything else we should know about you or your work?: At LexRx we feel passionately about helping men and women look and feel their best and embrace self-care. If injectables aren’t for you, be sure to check out our “Best of Boston” skincare line and embrace a little self-care at home.

Who are two other women who inspire you?: Alexa Nicolls Costa, my business partner and an incredible businesswoman, and my mom, a fiercely loving mother who taught me to work hard at everything I do.

Keep up with Alexandra at @AlexandraLRogers and @LexRx on Instagram.

Are you interested in being highlighted in a “Meet a Boston Mom” feature, or do you know someone who deserves this recognition? Let us know! Please email Meghan Block at [email protected] to discuss a feature.

Create a Safe, Efficient, and Uplifting Family Home :: Upgrade to Design Build

This post is sponsored by our friends at New England Design & Construction. Below, you'll find a heartfelt letter by Dave Supple, Boston dad and founder/chief executive officer of NEDC. We encourage you to read more about Design Build and seek out NEDC for your renovation needs!

Over the past few months we have all gotten familiar with the interiors of our homes at levels never previously anticipated.

Add school closures, several young children per household, mounting stress of trying to work from home while tending children, and the collective scream forming on the lips of parents across New England can very nearly be heard.

I understand. We understand — very much so. Being home 24/7 with my two young ones — ages 6 and 3 — has been quite an experience. 

We now know our homes inside and out at a level never previously imagined. Our familiarity with their interiors and exteriors is on par with the intimacy of a 20-year married couple. How many steps to the refrigerator. The texture of the bathroom paint. The inadequate lighting in the living room. Lack of a properly isolated and equipped workspace. That illogical kitchen layout that we have tolerated for years. Shelves that are too high. Drawers that are too low.

Household deficiencies that previously seemed like distant possibilities now feel like musts.  A home workplace. A home gym space. These were fleeting thoughts of fantasy previously. They now seem as essential as our morning coffee.

We are talking about quality of life. Quality of home. Happiness. Family. Future.

I’ve had these thoughts run through my mind over these past weeks as the world, workplace, family, and educational dynamics shift in front of our faces and, by cultural necessity, seem to collapse into one venue — our homes.

In a world full of uncertainty, I have come to the conclusion there is at least ONE immediate vital certainty that can be created over which we can directly control. 

Our homes.

And by that I mean the homes/workplaces/schools/gyms/theatres/adventure parks that our homes have now become for the present and foreseeable future.

Home and family as a pillar of certainty seems like it has never been more vital. The importance of creating a staunch and solid Winterfell amidst the swirling turmoil of Westeros — a Game of Homes, in so many words.

Design Build is the medium through which this can be achieved.

It is a route of planning, creativity, and execution that is cost-effective, efficient, and fully accountable. This is nature’s way of building and has been done for thousands of years.

So as a father of two and a Boston professional, this is my personal message to mothers: Quite simply, it is time to upgrade to Design Build. Now IS the time. You can have your ideal home, kitchen, and living space, free of stress and at a cost and speed that is both economical and efficient.

Design Build can help families achieve the living space and home environment that will help facilitate and propel their lives to their own design, vision, and satisfaction.

How does this work, and why am I saying this? Let’s start with the fundamentals:

What is Design Build?

Design Build is the natural course of design, planning, and construction that has been used since the advent of humanity. It is the natural sequencing of vision, design, planning, and construction execution under one single responsible individual or group.

Sound simple and sane? It is. It is also faster, more efficient, and less expensive than separating the functions and responsibilities of designer, architect, and contractor. This arbitrary and damaging fracture of inherent responsibility often leads to over-budget and off-schedule projects with finger-pointing and no clearly responsible individual.

You or someone close to you may already have lived this headache previously. It’s not fun. Conflict and over-expenditure are good for exactly no one right now.

Design Build is the opposite: A single professional entity responsible for delivering the project from start to finish, exactly as the client wishes and within their own creative standards and budgeting objectives. Think of Design Build as organic and paleo compared to an array of GMO-laden items fraught with refined sugar in the cereal aisle. 

Will Design Build save me and my family money?

Yes. Design Build projects routinely come in 6 percent less expensive while being delivered 12 percent or more faster. In real, tangible terms that means a potential $12K saved on a $200K project, completed several weeks or more in advance.

Who is that good for? Everyone.

What are the advantages of using Design Build now?

Here are some of the most basic:

Design Build allows the owners and Design Build planning team to design the project exactly to the wishes of the client, both aesthetically and along budgeting lines. Meaning the project doesn’t get designed then suddenly turn out to cost $200K more than initially planned after the planning stage is completed and bid out to contractors, rendering the planning useless… which you have already paid for. Ouch.

The Design Build team is thinking about and owning the project from start to finish. From design conception to the last nail driven, it’s a truly accountable individual and team.

Power and value can actually be simple.

So, Design Build will do the following:

  1. Save you money — valuable in all times, especially now.

  2. Complete your project swiftly and rapidly.

  3. Increase the general quality of your project and ensure it is the right and optimal project for you and your family. You have a direct line to a solely responsible entity the entire project. Not three professionals with partial responsibility. One with full responsibility available to you at all times. No headaches.

There is truly no better or more intelligent time to put in place the practical and ideal home setting for you and your family.

This is not a sales pitch, but a true and sincere offer of value and experience from a Boston father with nearly 20 years experience in this field. After all, this is your children’s sanctuary — and yours.

The place where they will grow, plan, and reach for their futures.

Feel free to reach out with any thoughts or questions. I’d love to help.

Love,
Dave (617-474-0309)

To learn more about New England Design & Construction, please give Dave a call, or visit their website at https://www.nedesignbuild.com/.

Warning: Facebook Lives Are Less Real than They Appear

Facebook - Boston Moms

My daughter was doing OK. She loved the increased family time. She loved not being rushed in the morning and instead being able to do her own thing. She loved playing with her sister more (except when she didn’t). And they both loved the increased screen time.

The kids were basically parenting themselves since my husband and I were both working from home. I would look at Facebook and see people’s kids’ school assignments and art projects, both of which were practically non-existent at my house. I would see their family hikes, which couldn’t happen during the week for us. I would feel less-than. I would feel guilt. I would feel shame. I would try to tell myself my kids were secure, healthy, and happy, and the rest just didn’t matter.

Then, week 9 or 10 of coronavirus hit. And things got ugly(er). The physical isolation was really starting to affect my daughter (and me), although she couldn’t verbalize it. She was yelling and raging so much more. She cried so easily and for so much longer. It was so difficult to watch, and I felt her pain. I knew it wasn’t about me, but it was so hard to not take it personally or feel like I was failing. Especially when everyone, it seemed, whether in Facebook groups or people I knew in real life, was posting picture-perfect lives.

Then, I took a risk. I posted on my local moms’ group and asked if anyone else’s kid had gone from Mr. Hyde to Dr. Jekyll. And, guess what? There was a resounding yes. This yes came from people I knew in real life, too, whose Facebook lives made me think otherwise. Even though this didn’t lessen the pain and sadness my daughter feels, it offered me a giant sigh of relief. It made me feel like less of a failure.

The truth is, this is hard. We are all struggling. We are also all going to get through this. And, Facebook impression management is nothing new. Everything is amplified right now — fear, uncertainty, worry, guilt, and falling victim to Facebook lies. Please, dear ones, remember, Facebook lives are less real than they appear, and it’s OK for you and your family to not be OK right now. We are all doing our best, even if our best is not our typical best. And that’s OK.

Ice Cream for Dinner

ice cream for dinner - Boston Moms

Last night we had ice cream for dinner.

There was no reason for it. Nothing to celebrate, nothing to lament. Just no solid dinner plan, and a Facebook ad for make-your-own-sundae kits at a local ice cream shop that caught my attention.

So, we didn’t say anything to the kids, and at dinner time we set down a different flavor for each person, with a myriad of toppings in the center. There was shrieking, laughter, and giddy, unabashed joy. We piled on far too many toppings and drowned our ice cream in every kind of sauce imaginable.

It was messy, unhealthy, and totally against the rules.

And last night, it didn’t matter.

Last night, hot fudge was our vegetable.

Maybe this makes me not so great at adulting. Maybe it makes me really great at it. Who knows.

Last night, we put aside heavy thoughts and seriousness. We forgot about school work and laundry. We abandoned normal.

We were just happy. And it was good.

Summer Camp (at Home) with Code Wiz

Boston Moms is thrilled to work alongside Code Wiz Arlington to bring you this information. While this content is sponsored, the experiences and opinions are all our own.
Code Whiz Arlington - Boston Moms

Summertime brings many wonderful things. Beautiful weather, free time, and my kids’ favorite — summer camp. Each year, they look forward to a week or two of spending their days exploring exciting activities with new friends, learning new things, and just having fun. 

COVID-19 has certainly thrown a wrench in those plans. For the safety of all, our typical camp is no longer opening this summer, and this mama has been left wondering what to do! Sure, we will all enjoy an old-fashioned, laid-back summer at home, but I wanted to find something special for my kids to do. Something fun for them to look forward to, and an activity to break up our long days. 

But, how do you do that without leaving home?

Code Wiz in Arlington is our answer! When I first stumbled upon their website, I was intrigued by the dozens of course offerings and summer camp options, many for kids as young as 7 years old! From Minecraft to Roblox, classes based on many of the games my kids spend their days playing popped up on the screen. 

What better way to learn about coding than by integrating it with something you already love? 

My older boys (ages 12 and 14) looked at the website and squealed with excitement at the prospect of creating their own apps and animations. My (not-very-computer-literate) mom brain thought a coding class sounded a bit boring, so I was thrilled to see there was a free trial class to see what it was all about before committing to a full week of camp!

My 12-year-old son, Ashton, met with his CodeWiz Coach, Jada, via Zoom for the hour-long class. Jada asked us some questions to gain knowledge about my son’s coding background (which was absolutely none!) and explained that she would be guiding him through a game called Code Combat, where he would complete missions using the Python language. Together, with the aid of screen sharing and voice guidance, Jada guided Ashton through creating algorithms to make his game character move through missions. Arrows appeared on the screen to let him know where to begin typing, and a split screen provided a clear view of what effects the codes he was typing were having on the game characters in real time. To his delight, game characters earned badges as he learned new skills, and he was thrilled to see his achievements on the screen. 

The class was self-paced and allowed my son the freedom to experiment and to make mistakes. As he got stuck, Jada patiently talked him through figuring out where he went wrong, and she let him work out how to fix errors on his own. As he gained knowledge, more complex skills were added for him to achieve.

At the end of our hour, he lamented that it had gone by way too fast! 

From the mom point of view, I was amazed at how much he learned in just an hour! Seeing him so excited to learn new skills was a wonderful experience. Watching him gain knowledge about coding certainly makes this mama feel less guilty about the amount of screen time the kids are getting lately!

We are eagerly looking forward to our “new normal” summer camp at Code Wiz Arlington — all from home!

Code Wiz Arlington offers year-round, highly personalized tech classes with rolling enrollments AND summer camp options. Try a free, no-obligation trial class so you can see if the class is a good fit for your child. Mention BOSTON MOMS when you sign up HERE, and you’ll receive half off your first month’s no-obligation membership or 10% off any June summer camp!

To the Moms of Kids with Special Needs :: Pandemic Edition

To the moms of kids with special medical needs, I see you. I see you in this quarantine, trying to hold it all together.

I see your fear while you hug your little ones closer and closer every day, as the apprehension of the future looms above you. I hear your prayers to whatever higher power you believe in, because I say them too. “Please, just let us get through this unharmed.”

I see the doctors appointments you’re avoiding, even though they’re necessary. The virtual visits you’re simultaneously thankful for and tired of, and the hours of phone calls necessary to get them covered by insurance. I see the aftermath of your child’s sensory dysregulation, loss of routine, meltdowns, and confusion written all over your face. 

I feel your heart stop with every cough, sneeze, and wheeze. 

I see the panic in your eyes when you watch people walk around carelessly, without masks or gloves. I hear you patiently explain one, two, and three more times why social distancing, proper sanitation, and flattening the curve are so important. I watch as you glance at your amazing kid while you’re talking, as if to secretly remind the other person that the life of the tiny human standing next to you matters. I hear your silent cries of frustration, because the child you created and love dearly depends on others being careful. 

I see you in the wee hours of the morning, trying desperately to cram in a whole workday because it’s impossible to balance your kiddo’s needs and the demands of your job. I recognize your guilt for showering one moment longer just to have a solitary minute to yourself. 

My dear moms, I wish I could give you the relief you so desperately seek.

I wish I could calm the fears in your heart and tell you it will all be OK. 

I see the grief in your eyes as you watch your child regress without the medical care and therapies they’ve grown accustomed to, and I hear your worries that the time to regain what has been lost is ticking away slowly. I understand the hard choice of keeping your child back a year, because the deficits will be too deep. I know your worries about the return to school in the fall, the projected “second wave” of the virus, and the anticipation of having to continue “distance learning” indefinitely. 

As your head hits your pillow at the end of the night, I know the tears you will cry. I know the looming depression that is knocking on your door, just waiting for the perfect opportunity to wreak some havoc. I recognize the emergency anti-anxiety medication that has now become even more necessary than it used to be. I know why your eyes glaze over when you think about doing it all again tomorrow, because your heart is just so tired. I feel the guilt of feeling that way, because you’re also so unbelievably thankful that your baby survived another day intact, and you GET to do it again tomorrow. The dichotomy is weighing on your soul. 

I understand, precious mamas, your worry that this will never truly go away — that you will feel uncertain and fearful forever.

I see you look at your sweet child for one extra second as they fall asleep and wonder if anything will ever feel “the same” again, or if this glimpse of how fleeting life can truly be will become our new normal. How will we ever feel carefree again?

Please, my dear mamas, know you are not alone in spirit even though the weight of your responsibilities is crushing. Remember that you are stronger than you could ever imagine, that when the world makes you walk through fire for your child you don’t balk for a single second. Honor your ability to make beauty from the ashes. 

You can do this.


Please know that if you ever feel truly helpless, there are people here to help. Contact the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-8255.

Anti-Racism Starts at Home

I am a white woman raising white children with my white husband in our predominantly white New England town. I was born in the south, raised in the west, moved back to the south, and now reside in the north. No matter where I have lived in this country, I have never considered myself a racist. For a long time I thought that was enough.

It’s not. 

People of color are talking. They have been talking. They are exhausted from talking. Many of us, myself included, have not been listening. I didn’t think their message was for me, because “I am not a racist.” I wasn’t getting it. Their message is exactly for “non-racist” white people like me. It is a call to move past complacency and to be totally anti-racist. I am finally listening, and here is what I am learning.

Our black community is tired. Tired of racist acts against their people, obviously, but they are tired of so much more. They are tired of our hashtags, our social media posts, our running with Ahmaud, and our apologies. Without action, all these gestures bear no fruit. And that is what is desperately needed — change. 

As Danielle Coke so beautifully illustrates, change starts from the inside and works its way out. First within each of us individually. Next with how we raise our children and talk about race at home. And then, we change humanity. 

Within myself, I have to recognize my privilege. It was my privilege that allowed me to turn a deaf ear to the cries of another race for so many years. It has been my privilege to sit safely in front of my TV with my husband at night instead of fighting for the justice and rights of my people. When a Netflix documentary or a book on racism begins to make me feel too distraught, it is my privilege to be able to walk away from the content that people of color live with daily. It is my privilege to freely name my children knowing their names will not affect their likelihood of getting called in for a job interview one day. It is my privilege to dress them in any clothes I want, because their blonde hair and blue eyes pose no outward threat. It is my privilege to never have to talk to my son about what to do when he is pulled over for a speeding ticket someday. It is my privilege to not have to fear that my daughter’s word will not be enough should she ever need to defend herself. 

Black lives matter. Your instinct might be to counter that all lives matter. While it is true that all lives do matter, the point is that for centuries we have not been acting as if all lives matter. My white life has mattered more to society than my neighbor’s black life. My white life has not been targeted or threatened in any real way in 34 years. I doubt very many black lives can claim the same. If our petition is that all lives matter, we have to act like it. 

It is not enough to raise our children in “non-racist” homes. Race must be a discussion that is had often. The history of racism must be taught, including what is left out of public school curriculum. Hard conversations about current events need to be explained. Our children need to understand their privilege, and furthermore, know how to use their privilege to stand in the gap for those without privilege — not just our black sisters and brothers, but our sisters and brothers of all races and cultures. If you feel unsure where to start these conversations with your children, start in some basic ways. Make sure people of all color are represented in your children’s books, toys, and TV time.

It occurred to me this week that my son or daughter could very well grow up to be a police officer. It was easy for me to quickly put away the idea that they would ever commit a crime as horrific as what we saw in the murder of George Floyd. But then another thought seeped in — what if they were one of the three other cops who stood by and did nothing.

It is not enough to teach my children that we are not racist. My children will be taught to be anti-racist — to defend, stand up for, and ally for black lives. 

As we listen to, learn from, and grieve with our black community, we must also advocate for them. Where do the candidates on a local, state, and national level that you vote for stand on this issue? On social media, make sure you are following people who don’t look like you, and listen to what they are saying. Are you gaining knowledge from the voice of a person of color? Show your appreciation for their work by donating to their platform. Challenge your biases. Notice your privilege. Use your privilege to help those without. 

You do not have to have all the answers — you won’t have all the answers. These conversations will be uncomfortable at times — it’s OK to be uncomfortable. Let your children know that you are learning along with them — be vulnerable with them. We cannot let our fear of saying the wrong thing keep us silent.

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