Dear Son,
Since Jessie, one of our resident girl moms, wrote a letter to her daughter before she were to appear on “The Bachelor,” I thought it was my job as one of our resident boy moms — and uber fan of all things Bachelor-related — to write to you before you should start your journey to find love:
Please remember your mother watched this show long before you were born, and she will most definitely be watching your season. Don’t do anything you don’t want her to see.
Watch the booze on the first night. No woman wants the sloshy drunk.
If you’re unemployed or don’t have a particularly exciting job when you go on this show, that’s okay. Hardly anyone has found their dream job when they’re in their mid-20s. Just don’t let the producers give you a lame job title like “hipster” or “Canadian” or “erectile dysfunction specialist.” (OK, that last one could actually be a profitable career.)
It’s OK if you are here to make friends. You’re going to be spending way more time with these other guys than you will with the bachelorette, so you might as well form some good friendships in the meantime.
Don’t write any poetry — unless you’re actually good at it.
If you go on this show, whether you like it or not, it’s expected for you to be in good physical shape. Just please, don’t be a meathead.
Try to stick around long enough to start travelling. This show goes to some seriously cool places, and I look forward to living vicariously through you.
Do your best to have fun on the group dates. So what if they make you dress up like vampires?! At least you’re getting a free trip to Transylvania.
This is, of course, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, one that you are sure to never forget. You don’t need to get a tattoo to commemorate it. Especially one that involves roses.
Please don’t sleep with the girl on your first one-on-one date. Remember, at this point, she’s still dating about 10 other men.
Just be your sweet, funny, goofy self. If the bachelorette doesn’t laugh at your cheesy jokes, there’s someone else in the world who will.
I won’t judge if you say, “I love you” fairly early on. I knew within a month of dating your dad that I wanted to marry him.
That said, read the room, dude. Make sure she’s feeling it. It’s super embarrassing if you say, “I love you,” and she immediately sends you home.
If you should make it to hometown dates, I promise not to show her any naked baby pictures of you. The pictures of you in your Star Wars T-shirts, though? Those are fair game.
I reiterate Jessie’s advice — if you’re not going to win, at least try to be the second runner-up, so you have a better shot at being the next bachelor.
If you should be the next bachelor, be a Sean Lowe, not a Juan Pablo. It’s not OK.
And finally, no matter what, you’ll always be my little boy. Have lots of fun, sweetie.
Love,
Mom
