Hey all you dads-to-be. How’s the pregnancy going? J/K, that was a trick question, because you’re not pregnant. If you were about to mention mood swings or designated drivers, though, this post is just for you.
Father’s Day is coming up, and you’re going to be one any day now. Congrats! It’s the best, and also sometimes the worst? But mostly the best. And to make it even better, I thought I’d pass along a few tips to help you excel as a husband and father in those first few months.
First off, let’s talk labor and delivery. Leading up to it, if your biggest concern is boredom and whether it’s acceptable to leave for a bit if nothing much seems to be happening, DO NOT VOICE THIS TO ANYONE. Nope, not even as a joke. IT ISN’T FUNNY. And during labor, if your partner, who may previously have spoken about unmedicated birth plans, suddenly and urgently decides that was dumb and she needs the epidural, the correct response is not, “Are you sure honey? You haven’t lasted very long.” Instead, say, “Where is the anesthesiologist???”
Now on to some skills you’re going to need to work on.
Well, not sneezing exactly. In fact, the opposite of sneezing. Now is the time to learn how to swallow a sneeze. Because I swear, the first time you sneeze when your partner has finally got that newborn to sleep after three hours of swaying and shushing, you’re going to wish you’d listened to me. Hell hath no fury like a woman whose baby just got woken up by her partner sneezing.
Or, more specifically, not complaining about not getting any sleep. You’re going to be tired. She’s going to be tireder. And if you think you suddenly have early onset dementia, I promise that you don’t and I promise harder that she wont appreciate you obsessing over it because she’s probably already tried to put a diaper on herself and attempted to breastfeed the cat.
I’m sorry. This is hard, but it’s best for everyone if you just come to terms with never having sex again. Or at the very least erase the concept of “six weeks” from your brain. It’s going to take more than six weeks. Probably more than 10 weeks. And when you first attempt it she will definitely cry and talk of becoming a nun. The sexiest thing you can do is realize that “Netflix and chill” is not a euphemism for anything except maybe falling asleep on the couch.
They’re kinda gross. Get over it. You do not need to pull your T-shirt up over your mouth and make gagging noises.
So you took over cat litter duties during her pregnancy because of toxoplasmosis and now you think she should do it again. Wrong.
Your partner may ask for a divorce at 3 a.m. Best just to forget about it. Sneezing generally isn’t grounds for divorce (although you really need to work on not sneezing).
This actually applies to all men regardless of dad status. Learn to look for things. Please.
DO NOT EAT YOUR PARTNER’S SNACKS. Buy them for her. Leave them next to her nursing pillow. Do not even think of inquiring about baby weight.
Happy first Father’s Day! You’ve totally got this.