Motherhood comes with a host of choices about what is best for you, your family, and your children. We at Boston Moms Blog are a diverse group of moms who want to embrace these choices instead of feel guilty or judged for them! Our “Parenting Perspectives” series is currently focused on discipline.

African American mother showing digital tablet to baby boy

After almost twelve years of teaching school, coupled with nearly five years of parenting, I can still say I don’t exactly know what I’m doing. When a kid hurts another kid (verbally or physically) in my classroom or at a play date, I’m still consistently disappointed in that moment — in humanity and in myself. But over time, I’ve learned to breathe. I take a step back. And I remember that mistakes are how we learn — and children are masterful at learning this way.

And I’ve found that I prefer a gentler approach. Maybe it’s because I’m highly sensitive or because my daughters seem to be as well, but I can’t stand yelling or being yelled at. So here’s where “time in” comes in.

angry child - Boston Moms Blog

A time in is when your child is so upset and hurt that he becomes borderline hysterical (or even actually hysterical) and is tantrumming. Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes we need to just let them cry it out in these moments. You didn’t get a second cookie and you want to lay on the floor and cry? I’m cool with that. But what about those moments when you are so disappointed and angry that your child did something so wildly unexpected? Your child feels so badly she can’t just go to the calming corner or chill out alone? Cue the time in!

Time ins go like this: I grab a book or an old photo album and sit down and look at it with my daughter. We take a moment to reconnect, breathe slowly, and remind each other of our mutual love. This is the moment your kid needs it most — when he feels the most disappointed in himself. It might not work for your kid, but it does for mine (and often for my students, too). Once the book is done, I remind her that it’s time for a break to calm down for both of us. We don’t process the event or teach the lessons until we are both calm. I’m very firm about reading only one book as an opportunity for us each to cool off. It always seems to work.

Why? I think this is a good approach because inner guilt is overwhelming. My ultimate goal at home (and in my classroom) is to teach self-discipline. When you’re angry, what can you do? The child learns that the unconditional love is there, but it sure isn’t party time either. We will talk about what to do next time, or how we can be kinder, but not until our bodies are calm and safe. Time ins help us both.

When I was a child and was rude or made a mistake, my mom would say, “I am proud of you for being sad.” Say whaaaat? Yes. She would remind me that it’s good to feel badly when you do something wrong — this means you are learning. I’ve added in that while you are learning, it stretches you and it can even hurt sometimes. Just like being a mother, evidently.