Why I'm Raising My Daughter to be Womanly - Boston Moms Blog

Wait! Before you slam me for setting feminism back 60 years, let me explain. I, like many women, am a feminist (in that I’m an equalist — I believe men and women should have the same rights and opportunities). And I don’t think being womanly is dead. On the contrary, I think it’s more powerful and important than it has ever been, and I think it moves the feminist cause forward.

A little background: I was in a women’s organization in college. As with many national groups, ours has a creed that outlines how a member should strive to act. Our creed was written in 1904, and I’ve found it to be an impressively timeless and relevant mantra to live by. Here’s an excerpt:

To live constantly above snobbery of word or deed;
to place scholarship before social obligations and character before appearances;
to be, in the best sense, democratic rather than ‘exclusive,’ and lovable rather than ‘popular;’
to work earnestly, to speak kindly, to act sincerely, to choose thoughtfully that course which occasion and conscience demand;
to be womanly always; to be discouraged never…

…Hold up. “Womanly?” When I was in college, the word smacked of antiquity. What came to mind was an image of a 50s housewife in the kitchen with her heels on. She was definitely not me. I just couldn’t admire that quality as I could the rest, because I couldn’t see myself in it.

But as I matured, the more I realized the value of womanliness. There’s enormous power in it, and it means something wholly different to me now than it did in college.

I know there are some who think the answer to discrimination and inequality is neutralizing or denying the existence of gender. I disagree. I think womanhood in all its forms is something real, distinct, and deserving of celebration. Here are the qualities that I think define “womanliness” in this day and age. They’re ideals that I try to live by, and ones I want my daughter to emulate.

Supportive

Be supportive of other women — women like you and women unlike you. We are a community. We have wisdom to share. It’s been cited time and time again that women don’t support other women in the workplace because of perceived threat. It’s time we cut that out. We need to lift each other up and learn from each other.

Graceful

Being graceful is a stereotypically female quality and can be associated with being accepting, even demure. But to me, the larger element of grace is gratitude. It’s the opposite of being jaded, bitter, or snide. It’s being thankful for what you have and being generous of yourself and open with others. There’s true confidence in grace.

Embracing

To be womanly is to fully embrace your womanhood. Loving and respecting your body. Celebrating your femininity, and finding power in it. Embracing the challenges inherent to your gender and working to overcome them. These things make strong, bold women.

Nurturing

At the risk of sounding all crunchy-granola, women are givers of life. We are nurturers as mothers. Practice for motherhood starts early with play for many girls, and — I would argue — the nurturing instinct is somewhat inherent. To be womanly is to nurture yourself, your family, and your community. It’s about kindness and empathy.

Poised

I don’t mean the elegant ballerina kind (though that has its merits, too). The definition of poise I’m talking about is the one referring to balance. Personal poise is finding balance between the hard and soft in yourself. Keeping your vulnerability while hardening your core values and knowing where your lines are.

Courageous

Being a woman can be hard sometimes. It’s hard to know when to speak up for yourself or stick your neck out. It’s hard to open yourself up to critique and criticism that can make you better. Sometimes the things that are most rewarding in life are the scariest. Being courageous is being your own advocate at home, at work, and in your day to day.

When I found out I was pregnant with a girl, I knew instinctively that the creed, or pieces of it, was something I wanted to put in her room. I struggled with whether to include “to be womanly always.” Ultimately, I decided yes. I want her to ask me what it means. Maybe she will challenge me on it one day, and I will welcome that discussion. I want to share with her that in her gender there is power and pride that she can use to propel herself through the world.

Do you think being “womanly” is a dead concept? Tell us why or why not.

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