Facebook mom - Boston Moms Blog

After a VERY long week in the hospital following a failed induction and urgent C-section, I brought my son home from the hospital at four days old. I hadn’t been home for two hours before I received a notification on my phone that an acquaintance from high school had added me to a mom support group on Facebook. At first, I was confused — I hadn’t even thought about these kinds of things existing! Then, I was ecstatic. I know, I know — who gets excited over that? Well, me, I guess. 

Being added to that group felt like my first step into social mommyhood. Yes, obviously, having the baby is what made me a mother, but this concept was different. I have a nagging and sometimes pathological need to belong, and this was a sign that I belonged. Sure, it was with some women I didn’t even know, but I reasoned there must be some women in the group who lived close enough that we could meet up for playdates and coffee. I was going to have mom friends!

It didn’t take me long to realize these groups are all over the place. A few new posts appeared every day, and the responses were always a mixed bag. Some women seemed like they were truly trying to be helpful, providing encouraging words or helpful suggestions to the scared/worried/frustrated mom who posted. Other moms seemed to always take the chance to be the contrarian. No matter what the original mom posted, these moms just wouldn’t or couldn’t say anything positive or helpful.

A mom who was struggling to breastfeed and feeling sad and scared and tired could turn to the group asking what formula other moms used to supplement, and there would be that one mom. She seemed to be just lurking in the depths, waiting. This mom would announce she NEVER had to supplement and she simply couldn’t fathom giving her precious love any of that evil chemical-laden formula. Gosh, thanks, Helpful Henrietta. This conversation really needed your amazingly insightful comment. We were all just waiting for you to glorify yourself with tales of your breastfeeding prowess that contained no actual advice or support.

Now, I have absolutely nothing against breastfeeding. I have nothing against formula feeding. What made me so sad was how some moms seemed to pounce on others in those threads. Don’t get me wrong. There were times when a mom would post something and I felt it was a silly, unnecessary question. Or there were posts that might as well have had a billboard next to them saying, “Attention! I need attention!” and I would roll my eyes. HARD. But here’s what I would do when they appeared in my timeline — it worked every time and continues to work to this very day. I would simply scroll past these posts and not respond to them. It’s so simple, yet so effective. 

I will admit that as a first-time mom (and one with diagnosed anxiety), I posted a few questions here and there. And I’m sure one or several moms out there thought those questions were silly and unnecessary. Fortunately, they also employed my patented scroll-past method of reply avoidance and didn’t feel the need to tell me so. Did I always get answers I loved? No, of course not. But generally, most things were at least attempts at helpful replies. And I appreciated that.  

There were times in my son’s first year (and honestly sometimes now into his fourth) that I felt very lonely and scared. Motherhood doesn’t come with a roadmap, and we are all learning to navigate this as we go. Moms who have more than one kid can be baffled by something their second offspring does, and she is left feeling like she knows nothing. I love that there are these groups to help, but I hate how some people just use them to make themselves feel like a better mom. At some point, all of us will feel like we are failing. We need to try to make our groups places where moms can be reminded that they’re doing the best they can.

Facebook mom - Boston Moms Blog

Caitlin Hynes
Caitlin is Massachusetts townie, having moved only a half mile away from her childhood home in the suburbs after getting married. She met her husband Patrick during their freshman year of high school, though it was definitely not love at first sight (for either of them). The sparks flew four years later, after a couple other significant others and reconnecting after a year away at college. She has been married since fall of 2009 and became a mom to one tiny tornado of a boy in July 2014. She holds a Bachelor's degree in Psychology with a minor in Education from Assumption College as well Master's degrees in School Counseling and Teaching Students with Severe Special Needs from Assumption and Fitchburg State. Despite solemnly swearing she'd never become a teacher, that's exactly what she did and currently works as a teacher for students with special needs ages 18-22, as well as advising her school's Best Buddies chapter. She comes from a loud, close-knit family and holds very strong opinions on ridiculous things, but tries to surround herself with people who appreciate her for it, or at least despite of it. Loves: Coffee, Diet Coke, random snuggles from her preschooler, Dairy Queen blizzards brought home for her by her husband. Hates: Inspirational Instagram pictures, traffic, folding laundry, random temper tantrums from her preschooler.

1 COMMENT

  1. so true! thanks for the reminder! I found a multiples moms group that was a mental lifesaver for me (just knowing that others had the same sleeping / triple feed / etc struggles was a huge relief) but have also seen the negative posts, on various mom-related groups. As someone who never produced enough for two, I was grateful for supportive posts 🙂

Comments are closed.