saying yes please - boston moms blog

Since having our third daughter, many things in life have changed. Most of these changes have been supremely positive, but that doesn’t entirely take away from the exhaustion and the feeling of “starting over” in the newborn department. Some of the changes have felt a bit shackling — like beginning a new exclusively breastfeeding relationship, being more strongly tied to nap schedules, and carrying around so many extra diapers.  

While slogging through managing the logistics of life with three young children, I recently had a liberating epiphany. I need to more readily say “Yes, please” when I am in need of a lifeline and “No, thank you” when conditions aren’t feasible (or are downright miserable).

Not long ago, our house was depleted of milk, and our pickings were very slim for dinner. It was late in the afternoon, and everyone was tired and cranky. A friend and I were texting, and she mentioned she was at the grocery store. So I sent the S.O.S. “Hey, would you mind picking me up a gallon of milk?” My friend was entirely happy to give me a hand. She even delivered it to me! She knows I will reciprocate the next time she’s in a jam. I ordered pizza for dinner, and our afternoon was salvaged.

On New Year’s Day, my two-year-old fell off her rocking horse and began to favor her wrist. I scheduled her a pediatrician appointment the next day while my oldest was in school. There should have been enough time to get my patient to the doctor and pick up my student on time, but we were cutting it close. I called in a friend. My eldest happily went to play at her house until I was able to get my second daughter’s arm checked out, X-rayed, and splinted. My friend’s help allowed me to concentrate on the daughter who needed me the most at that moment.   

My husband has a demanding job in the city with a long commute. My family lives far away. I have been extremely fortunate to find my village, with loads of friends to help me when I need it. But it’s up to me to graciously ask for and accept help when it’s especially needed.

By the same token, there is a need for me to say “No, thank you” more often. My time is limited. I need to maximize our time during the day so it works best for us.  

Over the holidays, I felt guilty that I didn’t want to contribute to the preschool bake sale. It wasn’t feasible for me to work in making (or even buying!) a baked good to bring to school to be sold during the holiday singalong. We went to the singalong empty-handed, and spoiler alert! The sky did not fall. I was not able to whip up a sweet treat this year — but there is always the next event in which to participate.

I dare even say that “No, thank you” should extend to family events that will require moving mountains to make them work. I recently got into hot water with my grandmother. She was having a family get together at her house three hours away. Her home is not kid-friendly, and she has a dodgy old dog that I don’t trust. We would have had to make the trip all in one day. I wasn’t willing to make it work. It wasn’t fair to my children to travel that far for a short visit. And it wasn’t fair to me, because I’d have to coordinate it all. I said “No, thank you” to Gram. While I did feel guilty for a little while, I released myself from that and felt good about my decision.

I’m beginning to realize that it’s healthy and important for me to politely decline events or obligations that don’t work for us and our family. Saying no gives me the freedom to say yes to other things that are more important. I can say yes to all-day-pajama days, yes to playing an extra game of Don’t Break the Ice, yes to ice cream for lunch.  

As mothers, we know we have too much on our plates. We cannot help trying to balance the world on our shoulders. And, yet, sometimes we are the ones who need something, and it’s crucial we say “Yes, please” and “No, thank you” to ease our burden. If we do that, we make better mothers, better partners, better friends, and better selves.

Emily Fahle
After an illustrious career in politics (including stints on Capitol Hill and on a presidential campaign) and then reinsurance (yeah, that was a career change), Emily decided to once again make a bold move and stay at home after her first daughter was born. Daughter number two came shortly thereafter, and when daughter number three made her debut it became an official girl tribe! The Fahle girls keep super busy and active exploring their beloved town of Scituate and all that Boston and the South Shore have to offer! Emily is currently experiencing getting along with an infant who believes mom is a Holstein, a preschooler who is smarter than her, and a 2-year-old who has drama in her veins. Emily never knew coffee and wine would be such an essential part of her day.