We recently got a story for my daughter called “Giraffes Can’t Dance.” Gerald the Giraffe loves music, but at the big jungle dance he just feels awkward and doesn’t fit in. He meanders off sadly to find space to himself and meets a friendly cricket. The wise cricket tells him that everyone can dance — if they find the right music. That basically sums up my feelings about the parent social jungle (actually any social jungle) and having to get out there in it. Welcome to the jungle… it’s not all fun and games when you’d rather hide in the sand.

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It’s hard to admit that for the first three months after my daughter was born I basically hid at home. I joined an online mom meetup and attempted attending a new moms support group, but none of it felt right to me — forced and social when I was tired and emotional. I wanted friends who were also stressed about naps or dealing with painful breastfeeding, but I couldn’t get over my angst about having to get out there and meet them. I don’t make friends or build connections easily. Finding my music is hard. I frequently require time and space to recharge free of most other people. This makes it incredibly difficult to put myself out there… in the jungle.

I went back to work part-time and started taking my daughter to classes (music, dance, gym, swim — rinse and repeat) on our home days. I often felt awkward. It always seemed like there were others who already knew each other, and as I straddled the working/at home universes it just made it harder to precisely relate to other moms. On top of the logistics and energy required just getting to events (we all know getting kids out the door is a gauntlet), it’s hard for me to mix and mingle. It’s one thing at adult events to hang about at the edges or only talk to one other person. It feels different when it’s a preschool birthday party or toddler mommy and me class. Welcome to the jungle. A jungle isn’t my natural habitat.

Not loving the jungle isn’t the same as not liking people or being anti-social. I love talking and can be surprisingly chatty if I know and trust you — (it’s ironic at times that my elementary school report cards said I disrupted class for talking too much). I often initiate outings because I very much want to enjoy the company of good friends (but, admittedly, I sometimes want to cancel them and read a book). I simply prefer the company of a few I know instead of many that I don’t. I want my daughter to have friends, to make and keep them — whether she has a few deep connections or a sea of them. Yet, I have anxiety over how to model being social in groups when it’s not my natural habitat.

It’s hard. It’s a jungle, and sometimes I just want to meander away like Gerald the Giraffe. Then my almost-4-year-old tells me she can’t wait to go to school to see her best friend, or she sidles up to a random kid at the park to happily discuss a shared love of trains or dig together. She’s my wise cricket. So, a lesson from a child: Welcome to the jungle — try to enjoy the fun and games, even if it means you need a week to recover afterward.